”Dear diary,
Once there was a trip… within a trip… within a trip. A trip that has taken so many forms and it has transformed my life for sure. Like a stone thrown into a lake, making the water reacting and forming waves, the lake still seems the same once the surface is calm. But still the stone has changed the lake’s texture forever.
I am still on the road. This is still my journey, the journey is still part of me, but part of me has been changed forever …”
I FORGET WHERE WE WERE…
I have been thinking a lot about the last 6 months of my life. I have been ”off the grid” from myself as well, trying to process a lot of change, a lot of emotions, a lot of experience gained from every twist and turn I had to undergo lately, going back and forth the countless pages of my journal trying to keep track of a drifting timeline.
Basically a lot of reasons kept me away from writing this blog, but the most important factor: I didn’t really know how on Earth I would find a way to express my self through just random words and phrases put in order within this section. It’s not about the fear of getting personal stuff out there or who would happen to read this. It’s mostly about my journey so far literally and parallel to my life, that when reflected through my memory, mind and senses, it felt like I’d have to take a super-nova out of my chest and squeeze it through a tiny needle’s hole, if I’d try to break it down to words to describe it. As a tone of books and language tools still is not enough to equal one gram of experience.
Being truthful and honest about the latest year of my life: It has been rough.
Kinda like a rocky road and never ending uphill for quite a while, with no mountain top on sight. But in order for the downhill to happen, you need to keep on climbing.
Accepting a path as it is, without losing your mind in fear, can only make you stronger, unless you allow doubt to get in between the rhythm of your breath that matches your pace … still you have the choice to control it, but are you willing to? Finding an answer to that question kept me into a loop of events, fighting against my own self…
LEAVING NETHERLANDS, CROSSING GERMANY – STAYING AND WORKING IN CZECH REPUBLIC
Despite the difficulties, taking the decision to go for this cycling trip … brought us from Netherlands to Germany, continuing to Czech republic, where we stayed and worked for about 3 months. Within this period of time, balancing between adjusting to the new and a really hard and long winter we felt kinda… homesick.
FLYING TO GREECE FOR CHRISTMAS
December 2016 – January 2017
You know .. whatever is getting suppressed and stored under your skin, is still there, waiting for a moment of weakness to trigger you like an unpredictable active volcano, and be sure, no matter what you do to ”cover it up” it will still find it’s way out. Plus the more you have been ”sleeping” and ”boiling” deep inside your roots, the strongest your eruption will be.
Sometimes you will do anything to distract yourself from the seed of a problem, you will try to find countless ways to flee and seek your way out through anything, addictions and patterns you go over and over like a vicious non – breaking circle: A demanding busy lifestyle and work, or compromising and settling in security, or the comfort of the people and the environment that might be familiar to you. This kind of escape or compromising need, that keeps you blindfolding on an automatic pilot instead of finding the courage to face and deal with the cause of your problem, is just a cover-up not sorting or teaching you anything. And this, I’ve learnt the hard way…
Going back home for a while, was the start of it all. I felt that seeing my friends and family would help me relax and enjoy myself. Plus it would be nice to be ”on the road again” backpacking, keeping on moving, seeing new places like Austria and Vienna on our way to Greece, have a good time .. But still something inside of me gave me mixed feelings about this. Deep inside of me I had been knowning for a long time that things were out of balance.
I knew that my backpack didn’t carry only the burden of my clothes and toiletries… I was carrying a very special burden long before I decided to go on my bike and leave Rotterdam 6 months ago. A burden I still didn’t have the courage to deal with regarding my relationship and my emotional life.
All these coming down to a reality check: Going back home was NOT easy for me.
In this familiar environment of people that showed me how much they missed me and wanted some of my time in order to see me, I became terrified. I didn’t want to open up too much cause tears would come up if I stayed with a best friend alone, talking. I kept my distance or even avoid to see certain people and spend ”too much time” with them.
Being around friends and family that could ”see through me”, that have known me so well, made me somehow afraid. Afraid to see my self reflected through them. I discovered how hard I was trying to choose a certain mask to wear in order to smile, and show that everything is fine. Not make them worry. I made such an intense effort to look happy, act happy, show happy, but on the inside I was screaming out loud from the top of my lungs, that nothing was ok, nothing was fine. I was feeling alone and weak.
I started observing my own little cloud-formations, mental storms and circles of personal suffering. Countless times I would leave the table to run to the bathroom so I could sit on the floor and cry my eyes out. Endless would be the hours I’d spent observing my mind while starring at the ceiling before falling asleep.
A self-made prison cell I had chosen to encage my mind, acts and thoughts, in order to give more space and prioritise someone elses’ needs and demands, while trying to justify certain things with understanding and acceptance that I shouldn’t of. My inner voice was pacing up and down impatient like an animal demanding freedom and escape. Demanding to be acknowledged.
I had started hurting myself from the inside, and I had exceeded the limits of my own tolerance.
My mental and emotional suffering started reflecting physically when the first signs of panic attacks , heart arrhythmia and disorders came out. I felt I was poisoning myself delaying the obvious.
I tried to remember the last time I laughed genuinely from the bottom of my heart, or enjoyed expressing my thoughts without the fear of judgement, being carefree and truthful to myself. The last time I felt I trusted myself so I can trust someone else. My trust, was gone, and I felt deeply betrayed. Although I thought I had dealt with certain things, the truth was that same patterns were still coming again and again and the given circumstances would not help to restore my trust again, neither was I ready to filter and justify certain actions any more. The time for me to face reality had come, and life would soon give me another slap on my face, to make me see things for what they really were… my spirit was rebeling and crying for freedom like a long-starved encaged wolf.
MY HEALTH…
Meanwhile, being in Greece, and having a father that works in a hospital, was a great opportunity to have my knee checked for free, since it still kept on giving me great amount of trouble the last couple of months after my last visit to Karlovy Vary’s hospital in Czech republic.
Back then the doctor had assured me that it was just a simple ligament injury , and nothing more than that. I should be able to recover in just a few weeks by resting.
Two months after and still, a lot of burning, unease and discomfort no matter how I would place it to sit down, go up the stairs or sleep, was an everyday thing.
A little 35km bike ride around Ioannina’s lake, got me unable to go up and down the stairs again so an MRI was arranged for me in Athens before our scheduled flight back to Czech Republic.
Unfortunately the news was not good.
20 minutes inside the MRI tube showed no ligament or meniscus injury, but something a bit more unexpected …I was diagnosed with Chondropathie / Chondromalacia Patella, an autoimmune disease, causing the cartilage to gradually wear off without the ability to regenerate. As a result the joint’s bones start rubbing against each other and the lack of lubricant and cartilage around the area causes extreme pain, burning (tendinitis) sensation, discomfort, fluid concentration, and swelling. All the good stuff you need to cycle right? 😛
Doctor’s words and advice:
”Continuing cycling on that level would be madness, there is no known cause or therapy for it and in general, nothing we can do besides a knee replacement if things go down that road … well I know this kind of trip is a life dream for you, but you should consider before going on that bike again or do anything related to extreme sports. As an orthopaedic and athlete’s doctor I have to advice you to quit. If you continue, and I am afraid you will, bare in mind you have to stop when it gets swollen and do some intense ice – therapy on it after cycling or yoga practice. Do you have any questions regarding your situation? ”
” No that covered it all! Thank you for your time, that was very helpful” I said to him smiling. He looked at me puzzled and shook my hand goodbye…
FEBRUARY 2017
”BACK IN CZECH REPUBLIC – BACK HOME” : ADAM & DANA
Within the darkness and the confusing mess I was trying to balance out, It would be really unfair not mention a little ”lighthouse” that has been there in my life, bringing warmth and offering a healing hand and light those difficult times.
Adam & Dana, our workaway hosts, since last October, have been not only new ”friends” but also a family to me! These adorable and lovely people, including their two daughters, dogs and cat, are living their lives peacefully with love and respect for nature and each other, working their land for crops and veggies, while leading a lifestyle of working with language teaching, meditation, running their place as a retreat and keep on working on it’s restoration, so more people can enjoy it!
Their 1700’s built house, that had been gradually restored by themselves over the years, will take you on a journey to a magical elvish world, since everything in there is handmade and so beautifully crafted that vibrates all the love and energy they put to make this place the way it is today.
One look will tell you more than my words: Elfi sidlo
Their way of ”deep listening”, presence and inner knowledge, makes them able to share authentic insights and thoughts coming out of their own experience of life, will always ”open a new window ” for someone to observe through a different perspective.
Keeping also a simple, super-tasty nurturing vegan way of eating, that will instantly make your body feel balanced and good, combined with a positive philosophy about life, Adam and Dana’s home was the right place for me to deeply connect and start turning more inwards for my answers.
Coming back after our Christmas holidays in Greece, finding Dana waiting for us outside Ceska Trebova’s train station, felt more going back ”home”, than when I actually went to Greece. The whole area was totally frozen and covered by snow, and temperatures kept on going extremely below zero the weeks that followed.
Winter had ”devoured” the whole place for good and simple tasks like working around the house, gardening or moving something from A to B were unbelievably difficult.
We started having more time for indoor activities and a bit of resting in between, while I was also enjoying getting back to my one-on-one hands on teaching, as I was a private yoga instructor for Dana and Adam as well. My knee was still ”demanding” attention and was constantly in the way no matter what I tried, so after a few days, Dana suggested a visit to Aniko…
ANIKO & THE CHINESE MEDICINE WORLD…
I was already familiar with Chinese Medicine through friends, and people I’ve known that tried it, but I had never tried it myself. Therefore I was like ”white paper” and had absolutely zero expectations that evening I went through Aniko’s door, for our 2 hour session…
Zero expectations and setting your concepts aside, creates the perfect ground to experience something new, being open to it, while keeping judgement and prejudice on ” a leash”.
Put in other words, you are open and more present to listen and receive.
Chinese Medicine is a really ancient path, and certainly inspects a health issue in a very different way than medicine does in the Western world. Furthermore is a more ” holistic” approach and goes deeper into the interconnections of the physical, mental and emotional levels combined.
It examines the issue from different roots, and might also detect causes and triggers for a health problem from a total different perspective.
It can be really eye opening and touch sensitive matters that might be buried or sleeping to the subconscious for a long time as well.
Regarding the physical level, a person’s nutrition and approach towards food is a very personal thing. Some people are made for cold, fresh, raw, and elements like wind and snow. For other’s the opposite.
The choices you make on how to keep your body healthy have to do with your roots, where you come from, how your body functions better and reacts with the elements and there are no general rules. So … personal approach and a lot of detail.
For me it was an experience that took me off guard, made me even cry, and share things I’ve always known there was a connection but couldn’t somehow interrelate them. It gave me a lot of insight but also something else, more concrete and less abstract than what Western medicine had to offer for my condition at that moment. It was also amazing to find out that certain things that my body was constantly asking for, like, drinking and eating only warm stuff during winter/summer, or certain types of food, staying away from dairy and going vegan, all had a reason. My body and my intuition already ”knew” how to take care of this beautifully complex system, and they have been giving me signs all along …
I started a certain detox and use of drops to cleanse the inner organs, and had a few new guidelines to re-orient my nutrition to help me become physically stronger … but mostly, provided me with advice on how to take care of my emotional and mental state that seemed to be consuming all my energy reserves. I left from Aniko’s place feeling refreshed, and … strangely awaken.
On the way home, Aniko’s words were keep going through my head:
”You know it’s about time you need to sort certain things out. Better now, than later. Once you decide that, all things will be set in motion… ”
BUS TO ROTTERDAM AND THE ”INSIGHT DIALOGUE”
WTF? I froze starring at my gmail … for like 5 minutes before I could process the news and info popping out from my tablet’s screen …That was SOME news alright!
Cutting to the chase, I had just found out that I had a two month notice to leave my house that I had been subrenting back in Netherlands, with all my belongings and Shiva, my cat, in it …
Aparently the landlord wanted to use the house for his family, and I was somewhere in a little village in Czech republic not knowing how to react and what to do … for sure, I would have to accept it and find a way to figure things out, on how to taste this new plate life had just served me with. On the other hand this started shaping my direction and decisions in general. Maybe ”going bacκ” sorting this one and rise through this challenge, would also show all the rest that needed to be sorted out too. Τhe mighty universe was giving me a clear sign on that matter and as it would turn out … this was a crucial point of changing direction and mindset.
Decisions were about to be taken.
When Adam gave me the ”Insight Dialogue” book, I knew this kind of book was all I needed that moment. I was glad It would keep me company as me and Spyros would ride the bus back to Rotterdam and attend to the new situation there.
We would have to let go of the house and sort things out with our stuff as much as possible.
As I started going through the first pages of the book, counting endless hours of trying to get comfy on the buses seat, it was like everything was falling into place … everything I had been struggling with, thinking of, trying to understand, deal and manage … was there. Clear and transparent, strongly written and confronting.
I reached Rotterdam, with answers I had not spoken of yet, decisions that were already bringing me pain but felt so right…
The moment I walked out of that bus and was back in Rotterdam I was not aware that the following two months of my stay in Netherlands I would:
LOSE A LOT:
Lose my relationship as it came extremely clear that I couldn’t go on with it the way things were.
Lose more of my trust and faith to people, making me feeling confused on how difficult is for so many of us out there to speak the truth to ourselves and to others.
My house, let go of all the stuff and a lot of material I had no way to keep or sell.
Money regarding house issues and the people I had put my trust, that failed to take care of,and left me there to take responsibility and pay from my pocket.
Lose my good intension and doubt myself for a while.
Lose my smile and hunger for life.
Lose my clarity and dive into panic.
Lose a lot of tears.
Lose my positivity.
Lose my appetite and 10 kilos.
Lose my peace and allow anger and sadness to devour me.
BUT I ALSO … GAINED A LOT:
A great reunion with two of my best friends/sisters and Dakrya bandmates from Greece, Sophia and Christina.
A warm welcoming and sharing of my friends – Elena‘s – house and company that stood by me as a sister.
A part time job … some extra money to cover a bit of the loss for my travelling budget, and 3 awesome new people in my life that from colleages would turn to very good friends: Alexia, Nasos and George.
An english course making me able to teach the language while travelling.
My return to my yoga practice and teaching, giving lessons to the yoga studios that felt like family and which I’ve missed a lot.
A new house for Shiva my cat that would take care of him with love as long as I would need to be away.
A lot of new vision, insights and positive energy.
Healing … and healing
More friends … and lot’s of laughing again.
Acceptance and Letting go.
Clarity. See beyond the illusion, things for what they really are.
My appetite (luckily not all of it) … and my smile 😀
My inner wolf’s freedom (still working on my peace)
And finally my trust towards myself to find the strength, get back on that bus to Czech republic, get on my bike and continue my journey alone…
Taking the first steps of transforming the anger, sadness and disappointement to love towards my self and others.
Once there was a trip… within a trip… within a trip. A trip that has taken so many forms and it has transformed my life for sure. Like a stone thrown into a lake, making the water reacting and forming waves, the lake still seems the same once the surface is calm. But still the stone has changed the lake’s texture forever.
I am still on the road. This is still my journey, the journey is still part of me, but part of me has been changed forever …
This entry was posted in Cycling Sutras
